Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
