Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
