yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
