so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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