i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
where does the pee come out of this thing
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
