and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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