Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
