nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
