Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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