Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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