Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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