I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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