it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
