Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
