I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
