Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
