you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
