some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
