K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
