omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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