Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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