You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
