she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
