herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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