I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
