I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
