You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
