i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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