I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
