Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
