FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
