Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You pole danced in your parka.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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