I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
