How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
