____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He passed out mid-signature
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
