so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
