need another drink. this is the easiest way
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Farmville is her only friend.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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