4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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