So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
