The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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