Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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