i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
