I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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