I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
