I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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