Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
