im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
