I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
