he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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