I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
