angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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