You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
