I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
