Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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