remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
