piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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