Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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