Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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