i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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