Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
