Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
