That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
