if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Let's get the cat blown out
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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