your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
