Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
